Learning to Be Loved

The ghost of my past

wraps around and burns me,

whispering my name,

dragging me back toward the darkness

where I am most comfortable

and trying to accept my fate.

But there, your voice guides me back

to your arms every time.

The sound of my name out of your lips

sounds like the sunrise

and its sunset every time

we lay down together.

I am in fear of this happiness.

I keep looking back like it’s attacking me,

like I am not good enough for you or it,

everything in my body bracing

for something not you.

Your gentle touch soothes me.

The closer you get, the more I brace.

Can you feel me tense, my dear?

Do you understand how much I love you?

So many colors, so bright,

I am desperate to close my eyes

and ready for you to disappear.

I will do something awful again.

I learned my lesson, but its ghost haunts me,

like what we have will end

because I let my feelings burn

like acid on my tongue.

I let them fester in my chest.

I let them seep out in the voice of another.

I let them fill my heart so heavy

that the other could not hold it.

Will it be the same for you?

Will you find it too heavy, a burden?

Will you see the brokenness I see in me?

Will you truly stay?

Will I push you away in fear?

I fight my own feelings even now.

I thought it would be fine

if I said them out loud,

but this love I have for you

overflows in everything I do,

wrapped up in my love for you.

I can’t hold it.

And I am still learning to go with the flow.

I pray I just let myself be loved

and be happy,

for a heartbreak from you I fear

I would never recover.

My love,

my treasure,

may I hold you gently

and treat you right

so that I can have the extreme pleasure

of saying you’re mine each night.