The Fear of Thriving

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Wiping away tears because they're shameful,

The peaceful silence is slicing through me,

like a dagger across my heart.

Each step is painful,

Every restart, that challenging.

Happiness, joy, contentment, love,

Should be something I fight;

it should be embraced.

Yet I wrap my arms around myself,

squeezing tighter and tighter

till I can't breathe.

Write a future that doesn't exist,

and denying my present daily.

It's a trap and a trick.

All these things that happen aren't inconvenient;

they're bombs coming to

Shatter the peace I so desperately fight to hold.

I'm looking for any reason to sabotage it all,

Because I'm used to the fall.

I am afraid of the standing still,

Of the warm embrace of how life should be.

Surviving was scary,

But thriving is terrifying.

What if I fail at that too?